my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
