I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
