If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize