I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
