It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
