Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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