U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend