I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad