Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
