you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Randomize
