Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
These tits shall not be calmed
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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