two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we should paint friendship bongs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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