you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
