So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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