I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
