What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
