Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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