If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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