Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
