You can't special order awesome
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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