Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're not piercing ourselves today.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
