sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
