you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
