Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
