i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
