I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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