I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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