remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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