I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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