Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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