the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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