no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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