I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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