The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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