I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
