"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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