the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
