I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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