What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
