Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
