I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
