Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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