A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
