either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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