put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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