The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.