The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.