the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
