I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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