I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
