Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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