...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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