Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.