oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.