Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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