I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room