So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?