the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
