I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
