I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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