maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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