The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
