If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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